Kathy Foley

April 6th, 2008

Were you caught rotten on Tuesday? Sent out by the boss to get tartan paint or a left-handed hammer or discovered your stapler suspended in a block of jelly?

Maybe you were lucky enough not to suffer any April Fool’s jokes, but thousands of motorists in Mayo were nicely pranked by the county council this April 1st, when it left a cardboard cut-out of a garda car at the side of the N5 Castlebar to Dublin road.

The cut-out was remarkably convincing and appeared to have a guard poking a speed gun out the driver’s window. The council said its plan was to highlight the dangers of speeding and remind drivers “the only ones they are fooling when they are speeding are themselves”.

Cardboard cop cars have long been used in many other countries, but while they can be an effective deterrent for a while, motorists soon wise up to them and there’s always the chance the “cars” might blow away.

In parts of America, local police forces have overcome this issue by using real police cars, but equipping them with decoy cops.

Coming just after John Leamy, the most senior civilian employed by the garda, issued a dire warning that the force’s €107m overtime budget for this year would run out by August, the introduction of pretend policemen would be a realistic and practical way for the guards to rein in their spending. They only have €1.6 billion at their disposal this year, they clearly have to cut their cloth accordingly.

The advantage of decoy gardai is that they work 24/7 and don’t need so much as a cup of coffee, let alone mileage, subsistence payments, accommodation allowances or overtime. Neither are they likely to get “blue flu”.

Fewer overtime hours worked by gardai would also lead to marked savings on the administration front. As it stands, the force requires a large cadre of specially trained crack accountants to calculate overtime pay – it works out at anything between time and a sixth for working between 6pm and 8pm on a weekday and 2/41sts of basic weekly pay per hour worked, if they have to work on a Sunday that is a rostered rest day.

I think the calculation may be different for Sundays that fall during months with an R in them or if there is a full moon that week. It’s all rather complicated, anyway.

Admittedly, housing the decoy cops in real cars would be slightly pricier than the cardboard cutout scheme (that cost just €200, according to the very pleased-with-itself Mayo County Council), but all that’s really needed are retired garda cars and some life-size fake gardai.

The government wouldn’t need to splash out millions on state-of-the-art animatronic models – any dummy would do. Apparently, it’s possible to purchase life-size blow-up people very cheaply on the
internet – I think the polite term for them is “Inflate-A-Dates”.

Commissioner Murphy could buy a gross of those (he’d have to get somebody else to do it - just look at the trouble that F1 fellow Mosley got into), kit them out in old garda caps and high-viz jackets, sit them in decommissioned garda cars at the side of busy roads and, hey presto, one cheap and cheerful
Traffic Corps that might not be much less effective than the one we already have.

If the decoy traffic guards prove effective they could be deployed in other areas. Police forces in
Britain have used cardboard cutout bobbies to great effect in shops, on petrol station forecourts and in the waiting rooms of hospital casualty departments.

Our inflatable friends could be similarly deployed here and could also be put to use on match days, guarding the homes of ex-taoisigh and filling in any other roles that require guards to stand around looking bored.

Clearly, they couldn’t be used in certain situations – you need a real guard to arrest someone or to give evidence at a trial – but they could be sent out to accompany real guards on the beat or on patrol in cars, just to give the illusion of a show of strength.

The commissioner could have an inflatable stand-in for civic events, awards ceremonies and passing out parades. The Garda Siochana is forever complaining of a lack of manpower, so let’s not rule anything out.

Decoy guards would be more advantageous than the real thing in many ways. They could never be accused of brutality and they would have no fear of hardened criminals. If they were shot or stabbed, they would just deflate. And they would never abuse their position of power to get free burgers in fast food restaurants or free bus journeys, as callers to Liveline last week alleged the real-life versions have been doing.

Best of all, they would never complain. A quick trawl of an online discussion board used by members of the force throws up a staggering list of complaints. Apparently, it’s almost impossible to engage in a
high-speed pursuit while driving a standard issue 1.4l Ford Focus.

Those guards who do somehow manage to apprehend criminals are very unhappy that their cars don’t have cages, restraints and soilproof seats in the back, meaning all they can do is put on the child lock
and sit on the prisoner if necessary.

They also grumble about not having onboard computers in squad cars that could run checks on individuals and car registrations; not having email; the snail’s pace at which the Pulse system operates; not having the right software to view CCTV footage; the shortage of computers, desks and lockers in
stations; and the difficulty in getting hold of a speed gun or fully functioning individual radio when they need one. They also maintain it’s really annoying having to ring their station from their mobiles to request backup and then not being able to get through.

Uniforms are another bone of contention with “collar burn”, chafing, split trousers and the emblems
wearing off their vests.

Others have loftier concerns; one poster on the discussion board called for an end to nepotism within the force and wished for a fair and merit-based promotions system.

Garda Inflate-A-Date would never be so demanding.