Kathy Foley

Many people think journalists are overpaid. The problem is that they don’t see how much work we do behind the scenes, as it were. I’ve been working very hard today reading a press release about a new report.

It asks some interesting questions. Hard questions. Questions that need answering. The report apparently answers these questions in great detail, but it costs €2,695, so I’ve been trying to answer the questions myself, with mixed fortunes, I have to admit.

How big a threat is drinkable yogurt to spoonable?
Huge, undoubtedly. Drinkable yogurt is like the weapon of mass destruction of the dairy industry. Except it actually exists. And it’s runnier than normal yogurt. And you don’t need any cutlery to consume it.

What are the potential strategies for engaging more men in the yogurt category?
Ah, easy when you know how. Put nearly-naked ladies on yogurt packaging. Or maybe put yogurt on nearly-naked ladies. Definitely some sort of nearly-naked lady tie-in. Consider a spin-off line featuring nearly-naked men, thereby also engaging even more men (the ones who aren’t bothered with nearly-naked ladies).

What foods could be packaged successfully as yogurt mix-ins?
Ooh, this is a hard one. Probably not chorizo. Or tripe. Fish might work. Although, no, on second thoughts, I don’t think it would. I’ll get back to you.

Is there a market for “body cleansing” yogurt (for example, for detoxing or quitting smoking)?
Yes! Yes there is! And that market is me. I love yogurt. I hate not being able to give up smoking. If you invent quit-smoking yogurt that actually works, I will buy it by the fucking gallon.

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Why, why, WHY am I being sent press releases about the US yogurt market?

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Anyone who even thinks about making a smart comment about the level of insight, authority and influence of this post and its contribution to our understanding of culture and society in a wider context will get gone-off yogurts through their letterbox. That is a promise.