Kathy Foley

Copy as filed, not as published.

February 10th, 2008

I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but there have been a number of significant developments on the public transport front in Dublin lately. To see if you’ve been paying attention, I’ve decided to set a little quiz. Unfortunately, there is no prize for the winner, other than the chance to look smug while you commute to work, thereby forcing your fellow passengers to wonder what the hell you’re so pleased about, given the hellish conditions.

Complete the following sentence. Integrated ticketing, a system that will enable passengers to use the same type of ticket on buses (both public and private), trains, the Luas and the Metro (ha!), will be introduced in:

a) 2006, as proposed in 2002.

b) 2008, as proposed in 2007.

c) 2009, as proposed last week.

d) It will never happen, despite similar systems long in operation in London, Paris, New York and dozens, if not hundreds, of other cities around the world.

The overall cost of the integrated ticketing project will be:

a) €29.6m, as the Rail Procurement Agency (RPA) said in 2002.

b) €42.7m, as the RPA said in 2006.

c) €49.6m, as the RPA said last week.

d) Billions, probably. Who cares about integrated ticketing? If I could just get to work on time, I’d buy as many different tickets as it took.

Why don’t the Luas lines meet in the middle?

a) And what would be the point of that?

b) The 15-minute walk between the two lines was designed to help combat our growing obesity problem.

c) Never the twain shall meet – not just an old saying, but an axiom by which to plan public transport.

d) Old-fashioned, short-sighted, bad planning.

The RPA and CIE are:

a) Totally best buddies.

b) Facebook friends.

c) Nodding acquaintances.

d) Engaged in a constant turf war, the latest round of which CIE lost last week when Dempsey ruled that the RPA could use the old Broadstone railway alignment for the new Luas line, meaning CIE couldn’t use Broadstone for its new rail depot. CIE may be down and bloodied, but it’s not out. Just you wait, RPA guys, just you wait.

At rush hour, how many people can a Dart carriage comfortably accommodate?

a) 100.

b) 160.

c) 200.

d) I can’t breathe! I can’t breathe and we’re only at Booterstown! Can’t…breathe. I’ll…never…make it…to Pearse St. Tell…my kids…I love them…

Which of the following is the most comfortable mode of transport?

a) A freight wagon.

b) A see-saw hand-pump railroad car, like there used to be in Buster Keaton movies.

c) A third-class train carriage in a war-torn African country, in which chickens outnumber the passengers and everyone has a machete except you.

d) Any Dublin suburban rail service.

The timetables posted on bus stops:

a) Show all routes served at that stop.

b) Show some of the routes served at that stop.

c) Are hard to decipher, between the graffiti and the bits that have been torn off.

d) Are irrelevant, nothing more than the crazed output of some delusional idealist in Dublin Bus headquarters on O’Connell St.

The destination shown on the front of a Dublin bus:

a) Is the destination.

b) Is not the destination.

c) May or may not be the destination.

d) Lighten up, man. It’s, like, an adventure. And you know they all end up in An Lar some day. Just enjoy the ride.

There are no electronic display boards at bus stops, indicating the number of minutes until the next bus arrives, because:

a) The technology hasn’t been invented yet.

b) The technology exists, but is too expensive.

c) The technology exists, but is incompatible with rain.

d) The technology exists, but the authorities believe would-be bus users would prefer to suffer the Beckettian angst of waiting in hopeful ignorance, rather than knowing it will be 73 minutes until the next bus arrives.

Why is there a 20b bus route, but no 20 or 20a?

a) There used to be 20 and 20a routes, but buses took so long to reach the terminus that passengers expired of old age before getting to where they were going.

b) 20b just has a certain ring to it.

c) Twen-tee-bee means ‘glorious journey of joy’ in Chinese.

d) Who knows what logic is applied to the numbering of bus routes? There are no number 6, 9 or 12 buses, but there are seven different variations of the number 15 route. The bus to the airport is numbered 747. Geddit? Of course, you can also get the 16A, 41, 41B, 46X, 58X, 230 and the 746 to the airport. It’s all pretty obvious, really, when you think about it.

Imagine you are on a bus in Dublin. What is that smell?

a) Body odour

b) Urine

c) Vomit

d) The unmistakable stench of the death of hope as you realise that, even though it is five miles to your destination, you would be faster walking.

Smoking on buses is:

a) Permitted.

b) Not permitted.

c) Not permitted, but tolerated by other passengers for fear of ending up in the nearest accident and emergency department.

d) Not permitted and subject to clampdowns by the more law-abiding drivers, who may shout threatening announcements over the bus intercom along the lines of: “Youse can put out dem cigarettes or de guards can put dem out for yiz.”

By 2015, Dublin’s public transport system will be:

a) Clean, efficient and the envy of the rest of the world, with integrating ticketing, a Metro to the airport, Luas lines all over the place and sparkling-clean buses down every road every second minute. Haven’t you seen the multicoloured map on Transport21.ie? It’s going to be exactly like that.

b) Moderately better than it is now.

c) Slightly worse than it is now.

d) Worse? It can’t get worse than it is now. Can it?